Yesterday at church we sang Gungor's song, "Beautiful Things." You may remember my blog post from roughly two years ago, as I contemplated this song while carrying Natalie. "You make beautiful things out of dust; You make beautiful things out of us." When I heard the song yesterday, I burst in to tears.
This second pregnancy has been more of a journey to belief in this idea. It was easy to believe this while I was pregnant with Natalie. One reason I am not sure I like prenatal testing (ultrasound, amnio, etc.) is that it causes you to focus on the imperfect. I know that as soon as we meet Julia, she will be our perfect second child, but right now I know her more through the doctors' lenses. That is why I am always grateful for elapsed time between appointments, that I might reacquaint myself with the Julia I know: the perfect, precious, active, gift of God.
Some of you may know how completely unexpected this pregnancy was. We've called it "the immaculate conception." Twenty weeks in, when we learned the type of Trisomy 21 (Down Syndrome) that Julia had, we learned something new: that Julia was crafted by God before she was even an embryo. In this most common type of Trisomy 21 that Julia has, something happens to the 21st chromosome in either the sperm or egg BEFORE fertilization. Before. Something about that just blows me away. Long before we suspected we were pregnant, and before Julia was even conceived, God had given her an extra chromosome through either Taylor or I. At this very basic level of personhood, God knew who she was. He gave her to us.
I struggled (A LOT) at first with the idea that God would allow us to have a child with a disability, especially before we knew what that disability would be. But Nancy Guthrie reframed our situation for me, in her powerful book, "The One Year Book of Hope." (If you have ever experienced any type of suffering, read her book. It will change you.) She reminded me that just as I don't give Natalie Froot Loops because I want what is best for her, so too does God give us good gifts in unexpected ways. A lightbulb was switched on for me: Julia is such an incredible gift! I am so excited to see how this is true in her life, but even prenatally, with all the agony we have endured, I can see how this experience has been a gift.
I have suffered. I have grieved. I have waited. I have cried. But I have also experienced transcendent peace. I have sought the Lord. He has responded so clearly and provided so obviously. Taylor and I have grown. My faith is surer now than it ever was before. I have been blessed with worldwide friendships that support and sustain me. God used this difficult year to prepare me for the roller coaster of Julia's diagnosis, and my faith was strong and ready to withstand the myriad attacks of the enemy.
I thank God for this period of respite as we wait in hope for Julia to arrive, and we continue to pray for her. But more and more, I am able to pray, "Thy will be done. Make me in to a righteous woman." And I actually mean it. I'm all in. Like Natalie prays, "Jesus, Amen!", I too desire to simply come to the Lord with open hands and trust that His be done.
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